My heart is aching today. I don't know if it is from writing post about our birth mother for I can tell you that I love her with all my heart. It is a love that no one could have prepared me for. It is a love that I know that the Lord placed into the depth of my soul. I didn't put it there. It was his doing.
How do I know that? When we started this journey, I was one of those who prayed for our Birth Mother, but felt that she was some invisible person who I honestly hoped would desire a closed adoption.
The day that we were able to talk on the phone for the first time. It all changed. The Spirit of the Lord reached deep into my soul. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew that she would be a sister who I would fight for and love.
The aching could also be from the saddness that I have knowing she is missing out on so much. Her lose is my gain. It isn't right. Why do I get to have so much? For the lose, I ache.
This aching has turned into tears twice already.
Could the aching also be from the feelings I have when out of the blue I miss our Birth Mother? It is as if the Lord is allowing me to experience just a piece of the loneliness that perhaps Myla will have when she reflects on her adoption. Whatever the reason, Bryan and I miss her at times. It is a feeling no one could have told me I would experience. Why would I miss and love someone I don't know well?
I know that the Lord is using the aching to mold me into the friend...sister I need to be for our Birth Mother and most importantly the Mommy I need to be for my little one.
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